For the past four years, I have been blessed to work for our local school district which allows me to be on the same work schedule as my children’s school schedule. I love being home during holidays and Summer breaks while my kids are free and we can do whatever we decide to do on any given day. Unfortunately, the nature of my job also requires that I start back to work at the beginning of August. So as we make our way through the dog days of Summer, my break is rapidly coming to a close. I’m not complaining by any means. Who could complain? I’ve been home all Summer with my family and have been able to participate in things that they wanted to do each day. I’m just feeling a little glum knowing my days of freedom are coming to an end and that the daily routine will soon begin again. I am also honest enough with myself to admit a lot of this melancholy is a direct result of the inescapable fact that my firstborn is moving to the big state of Texas mid-August. My momma’s heart is suffering all the feels and already regretting that I will be working his last two weeks at home.
All that being said, the push of the calendar has caused me to do some reflecting and soul-searching. Hindsight being 20/20, I wanted to take an honest look back at where my gastric bypass journey began and what has taken place since that time. Was I where I thought I would be? Was I doing what I set out to accomplish? Was I the “me” I thought I would be at this point after surgery?
When I had my gastric bypass surgery in April of this year, I had many plans for the months that followed. Having a desk job, I knew I could go back to work quickly and stay busy and occupied while trying to get a handle on my new post op life. I would heal and get through my liquid and puree phases while I was finishing up the school year and be physically ready to enjoy Summer. I envisioned Summer as a time of routine building for me. I would invest in myself and learn a whole new way of eating. I would start walking daily to aid in weight loss. I would start strength training with resistance bands in order to reduce muscle wasting and help with skin sag. All these plans were necessary and recommended for me as a bariatric patient, and I’m a planner. So I was up for the challenge.
Unfortunately, during my time spent soul-searching, I was faced with the brutal, yet very honest, fact that I am embarrassingly lazy. I’m not a lazy person in all aspects of my life…family, job, friends. But when the time comes for me to make a change to benefit my health, I am tremendously apathetic. I also had to admit to myself that part of the appeal of gastric bypass was the fact that eating the wrong foods or the wrong amount of food would make me physically sick. That’s actually one of the reasons I chose RNY rather than the gastric sleeve. I needed those tangible consequences in order to succeed. My surgery put a line in the sand and forced me to a hard stop.
Now, as a result of my uncomfortable epiphany, here I am at three months post op, and I have not changed anything that I have not been FORCED to change. Yes, I am eating better…much less, but better. Yes, I am feeling good and my weight is dropping. I am seeing numbers on the scale that I have not seen in 15 years or more. Yes, I am able to do things that I have not been able to do for many years. But many of these wonderful changes have occurred following my surgery without me having to make myself too uncomfortable. Does that make sense? This entire process has been amazing and HARD, but so much of the initial changes are natural consequences of the surgery and not due to time spent doing physically hard work.
Don’t misunderstand…I’m not downplaying the patient-side of this surgery journey. I am not neglecting the fact that I did a lot of work in preparation for my surgery. In addition, following surgery, the amount of mental, emotional, and hormonal changes that take place are astonishing. Without any real way to prepare for those changes, I can honestly say that the post op side of gastric bypass has been mind blowing. The mental game that I am now playing is unlike any other and food can no longer be the solution. Many bariatric clinics offer post op counseling and support groups for this very reason.
Ergo (I love that word after hearing it in a movie), the time has come to confront my propensity for laziness. I know the facts: 1) muscle wasting is common after bariatric surgery which can actually slow weight loss, 2) most changes due to surgery occur during the first year post op after which patients must have built a lifestyle to maintain those changes, 3) weight lost following bariatric surgery can be gained again without discipline and daily awareness. For me, knowing the facts and statistics does not translate into motivation. Knowing the future consequences of inaction does not create a desire for action in the present. This is where I must put in the hard work. Walking and strength training are easy. Forcing myself to actually do the walking and strength training is the problem.
So a new season in my journey begins. The season of “doing the ONE thing”…making changes, just one at a time and doing them well. This is going to be hard for me and I am not at all excited. Maintaining those changes is going to be even harder. My optimistic side is looking ahead six months to a time where I have established a healthier routine to carry me through my 50’s. My pessimistic side is already thinking about the new movie I want to watch on Netflix tonight.
I’ll sign off with a Matthew McConaughey quote from his thought-provoking book Greenlights which I highly recommend for your reading pleasure. I listened to the audiobook, narrated by McConaughey himself, and loved it so much that I purchased a hard copy to reread and make notes. His “oneinarow” philosophy speaks to this new season of doing one thing well for myself. Time to say goodbye to the part of myself that carried me all the way up to needing bariatric surgery in the first place.Time to get to know the new person I am becoming. No going back. Alright, alright, alright.
Terri, I love love love the honesty of your writing. Sharing our stories, challenges and weaknesses with each other is the best way for us all to become more compassionate, forgiving, and encouraging to those around us. My life is chock full of regrets, weakness, and the hope that through all of it I have still somehow been able to make someone else’s life a bit better by openly sharing those parts of me. Sharing our weaknesses gives others strength and the knowledge that they are not alone. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit! May your journey of self-discovery be one that leads to freedom from strongholds and opens the doors to many blessings. I love a good long walk, have an extra bike if you want to ride, or am up for any activity you would enjoy to help me your goals.
I have great confidence (and admiration) in you and all that you set your mind to do. I know that you don’t need my confidence in you, but you need your action matching your needs. If there’s anything that I can do to help, I hope you will let me know. Thanks for letting me share your journey.